Over the past months, I’ve realized how far I’ve come. Unfortunately and frighteningly, I’ve understood how much of a path I’ve still got ahead of me.
Some of you might remember; I’ve never kept it a secret. But I haven’t spoken much about it either.
“Spill the beans now, Niki,” you might think. Writing this is tough. I have to be honest with myself. I need to admit I haven’t been doing as well as I like to believe. As well as I thought I’m doing. I’ve suffered from Anorexia nervosa since I’m 13. Throughout my three inpatient stays, I’ve learned a lot, and I’ve acquired strategies to cope with it, to handle it.
However, once again, I’m noticing how tricky and smart this “disease” can be. Even when you least expect it can start swallowing you slowly. You might not feel as hungry as usual one day. The next day you might be too stressed to eat. It might happen once or twice a week at first, but gradually it happens more often until the excuses change.
“I’m trying to eat more, but I’m truly not hungry.” “I’m making an effort to eat more regularly, but I don’t have time.” “I don’t seem to crave/like any food right now.” “My stomach has shrunk over the last weeks because I ate too little, and now I’m attempting to eat more. That’s enough for now, right?”
These are examples of thoughts that have been wandering my brain for the last weeks or months. Being injured and unable to exercise doesn’t make it any easier.
It’s hard, you know. No one tells you what anorexia looks like once you’re past the “emergency” stage. You can’t find much about it online or in most available books. Of course, my doctors educated me concerning relapses, but distinguishing them can take a while. Writing it down admittedly rings some alarm bells, so thanks, Niki, for taking the time to write and reflect. I should have been sleeping by now.
Enough rambling. Let’s get to the point. I need to start acting and regain control. From February to March, I have a highly stressful and essential exam phase coming up.
Unfortunately, I’ve tried and failed many times recently. What has always helped me was to take photos of my food. To decorate it, make it look pretty and share it online. It might sound silly, but it helps me be more mindful of what and how often I eat, and it helps make it more fun. I usually try new recipes and exciting meals more often when I keep track of my intake this way. So I guess that’s that — my motivation to share more of my meals again with you guys. It may help me eat more and if it can even inspire you in some way that’d make me even happier.
I know I don’t have to explain. But although Instagram and my blog helped me lots throughout recovery, it’s tough to manage the pressure. I’m a perfectionist and overthink everything I put online. I wish I could only take a photo, upload it, and be content. Straight forward, the expectations I was loading myself with resulted in me growing sick of photography and Instagram.
For recovery’s sake and the positive benefits, I get from my food shares, I’ll try to keep it simple. Authentic eats would be a fresh topic to blog about in a way, wouldn’t they?
I hope this can be a new beginning and a rediscovery of food and my hobby of taking pics.
If you’ve stayed with me till here, wow huge thanks. Forgive my 1am rambling. I feel better now that we’ve had a heart to heart. See you around & a happy new year.